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<title>and these are the reasons i love you by briwrites (boomingvoice)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153899">and these are the reasons i love you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomingvoice/pseuds/briwrites'>briwrites (boomingvoice)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>fanfic100 [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Backstreet Boys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2008-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2008-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:21:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>846</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153899</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomingvoice/pseuds/briwrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On a bed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nick Carter/Brian Littrell/AJ McLean/Howie Dorough</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>fanfic100 [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and these are the reasons i love you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Prompt:</b> 094 Independence</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>Title:</b> and these are the reasons i love you<br/>
<b>Fandom:</b> Backstreet Boys<br/>
<b>Characters:</b> Nick Carter and Brian Littrell<br/>
<b>Prompt:</b> 094 Independence<br/>
<b>Word Count:</b> 817<br/>
<b>Rating:</b> G</p>
<hr/><p>The room’s dark, but for the glow of the computer screen. You’re at the foot of the bed, biting your lip absently, eyes moving across the screen. I don’t know what you’re reading, but I’d bet money you’d be happier off not knowing. You never could resist getting tangled where you shouldn’t, though. Like a puppy nosing at a porcupine, you’ve done it before and you know better, but you can’t help yourself.</p><p>There’s a teasing worry, sometimes, in the back of my mind, that we didn’t do right by you. That we could’ve done better. But we were all just boys, and really, what more could we have done? We raised each other, and so were too close already, blood and sweat and semen and tears mixing into this creation that took over our lives. Too close. You knew the sour taste of my breath when I woke up in the morning. I knew the strips of linen, sticky with wax and Howie’s curling hairs. Kevin heard AJ’s climax the night he lost his virginity. Too many things we had to share, so when we saw a chance to put some distance between us, we took it. For me and Kevin and Howie, that was alright. We were people before we were Backstreet Boys, and this was simply lifting our head above the waves. But for you and AJ—I won’t say it broke you, because it didn’t. But it left you stripped and vulnerable. You know it, I think. There’s a handicap you bear because of us, and I suspect there’s a part of you that can’t forgive us. But you need us, need <i>this</i>, and to say goodbye would take more strength than you have. </p><p>You sigh, softly, and notice my gaze. You arch an eyebrow and shut your laptop. We’re still for a moment, waiting for eyes to adjust to the dark. </p><p>“Come up here,” I say. </p><p>“Gimme a minute,” you answer, and get up to set your computer on the nightstand. You crawl up next to me, lying down heavily, and I remember the old shock of seeing how much you’d grown. The last time I’d felt it was realizing how long Baylee was, lying on his cot. </p><p>There’s a knock at the door, and you sigh again, this time with annoyance. </p><p>“I’ll get it,” I say, and go open the door to find Howie. </p><p>“Hey,” he says, and peers into the dark room. “Is Nick here? I wanted to talk to him about—“</p><p>“I’m here, Howie,” you call out. “Come in. I don’t wanna move.”</p><p>Howie snorts, and after a quick questioning look at me, to which I nod, he comes in and heads to the bed. He sits on it cross-legged, and talks quietly to you about something involving Q. I stretch out, listening but not registering, and float on the sound.</p><p>There’s another knock at the door, and you laugh, short and abrupt. “10 bucks says it’s AJ,” you say, but neither of us take you up on it because we know it’s true. “I’ll get it,” you add, and the only reason you volunteered was so you could shove Howie with your feet as you swung them over the edge of the bed.  “Hey AJ,” you say as you open the door, and wave him in. </p><p>AJ pauses a bit in the doorway, before shrugging and coming in. I feel a twinge of concern. His eyes look tired and he seems quieter than usual, and I wonder if he was hoping to speak with me privately.</p><p>Howie’s taken your spot, and you let out a hmmph of dismay before settling at the foot of the bed. AJ sits beside me, gingerly, and I lay a hand on his arm. He smiles at me, quickly, but I don’t feel him relax for a few more minutes.</p><p>We’re here. All of us that can be. Something in me, tightly coiled, loosens a bit. I tug on AJ, lightly, and he lies down. I rest my forehead on his back, between the planes of his shoulderblades. I won’t be able to fix him, I know that. But I like to think this helps. </p><p>I feel your fingers on my toes, and I kick a bit, annoyed. You chuckle, and I can practically hear Howie roll his eyes. You make your way up, burrowing between me and Howie, and I hear Howie protest as you wrap an arm around him.  </p><p>It’s quiet, finally. After a while, I hear Howie’s soft snores. Your back is against mine, solid and warm. I lift my head a little, and press a kiss at the base of AJ’s neck. I think, reluctantly, that to say goodbye would take more strength than I have. I wonder if I can forgive that. I wonder why I thought I was different than you.</p><p>When I sleep, finally, I dream of my cousin.</p>
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